Cancer Faux Real

Welp! Nothing about yesterday went as "planned"... time to initiate pick-me-up mode. Emotional management systems engage!! Logic brain, please take over emotional brain.  Allow me to break it down for all you voyeurs out there... ahem , loved ones. ;)   Claim: "It's gonna be a BIG A$$ DAY". Truth: It was a day that made me FEEL like a big a$$. Fact-checking below supports my case. Claim: "Imaging will be involved to understand progress."  Truth: No imaging, at least not yet. MRI will happen one week after the last round of chemo. From there, we'll determine whether MORE chemo is needed. Ugh. Patience is apparently a virtue [I don't have]. Love you forever, Lan.  Claim: "We'll begin to plan and schedule next steps on surgery." Truth: In PART true. I basically just reinforced my desire for a bilateral mastectomy [ sorry if that was jarring for anyone for whom this is new news, but my decision has been made so I never have to worry

I keep telling myself there is only ONE way this thing’s gonna play out. A big fat W on the board and it’s all mine. Then some heavy bass song fills the gymnasium, beautiful dancers flood the floor hitting all the moves, skirts flitting faster than you can bat a lash. Everything in perfect synchronization, then they split apart and poof! I’m there with my arms to the sky then lifted, flipping up, over, and caught by - where’d HE come from?! - My husband! And in some stunner coordinated ensemble. He pulls me down, pulls me close, then kisses me while swinging me around in circles, lights flashing like shooting stars, crowd goes wild… [ End dream sequence ] Y'all. Today is a BIG. A$$. DAY. I’m seeing my surgical oncologist for the first time since I was told I needed to undergo chemotherapy. I’m pretty sure imaging will be involved to understand progress and we’ll begin to plan and schedule next steps on surgery. The veil is about. to. be. lifted. You can run, but you can’t hide, m

There's something in the air reminding me of Italy. Maybe it's my hot-sticky sweat. Or the laundry detergent with just a hint of sea salt. Maybe the coffee beans left over from morning. It's intoxicating. All it takes is one note and I'm there in my mind. Maybe it's my pace. Maybe it's not needing answers and being ready at any time to pour a short glass of red. Maybe it's the loaf of bread half-torn. Maybe it's the way the sunlight hits the basil outside or the hummingbirds that keep swinging past my window. I opt for the matches to light the candle sitting next to the milk glass candy jar. It makes the room just one tick warmer and I relish it. I can feel sweat on my upper lip, the back of my pajamas, and the top of my bald head. I think I'll tear off lettuce for lunch today and mix it with olive oil, white wine vinegar, salt, and pepper. It reminds me so perfectly of my grandmother. It needs nothing more. Or maybe just a splash of lemon. Maybe I w

They say, yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, and today is a gift, that's why we call it the present. Lately, I couldn't understand that more. It's nearly 7am and I find myself seated alone at our small kitchen bistro table, with only the sounds around me of a ticking clock and now click-clacking keyboard strokes. My babies sleep, husband too. I see the street is wet from rain, although I never heard a drop. Birds chatter for their mother in the small nest outside the nearby window tucked inside somewhere safe. I sip my espresso and remember the European lifestyle I was raised on, and the standing-only Italian bars I'd visited for a quick morning sip. I notice a streak of blue paint on the side of my coffee cup, remnants of young ones who'd needed to rinse a brush as they created small masterpieces weeks or months ago. My hands type more slowly as the anti-nausea medications hold my energy back. I imagine I'm being slung backwards by a force that makes it

When I was 9 years old, I made a small mistake that changed the course of my entire life: I looked up my name in our family dictionary. And can you imagine what I got in return? Weary. Yep! WEARY. And it didn't stop there. It tortured me further by unfurling a biblical story of Leah, the girl who could not bear children and a sister who could, thus rendering her useless and a familial disgrace . This "defining moment" at NINE years of age sadly  shaped the way I saw myself for the subsequent 3 decades of my life.  I mean, WEARY... tired, connotations of frailty, the opposite of strength, courage, bravery... just. plain. weak. Ugh.  Enter Cancer. Flash-forward to Round 3 of 4 chemotherapy treatments. Right in the depths of my fight. Because I've never forgotten my "namesake", after 5 solid hours of treatment [ without an allergic reaction or a single drop of tears ], I was compelled to inquire about the strength of the drugs I had just endured and understand

Oggi mi sento piena di fortezza Ma faccio finta Oggi ti prometto che verrò Ma non so quando Oggi prego a Dio e tutto l’universo Ma ancora mi preoccupo Oggi mi ricordo quando mi sono innamorata di te Ma sono passati molti anni Oggi ho bisogno di te Stai con me Nel cuore Italia mia  

Since getting diagnosed, I’ve been more obsessed with my looks than a tween girl who just got her braces off. And you know what? I’m not even fighting it. See, it’s more than just desiring beauty , it’s about CONTROL.  Even more than that , I’ve learned of the irrefutable link between how I feel   about my outside and how I feel  physically on the inside. So, I’ve become my new favorite girl crush. Need proof? Exhibit A: I’ve started wearing SHORTS and above-the-knee DRESSES!! [ Gasp! ] Note: I was roughly seventeen years old the last time that happened. Now every time I do, I skip and smile more. Fact. Exhibit B: I've FINALLY started doing an evening skin care ritual before bed. [ You were right all along, big sister... ] And I'm waking up feeling confident when I look in the mirror. Watch out world. Exhibit C: I've started wearing wigs even when it's just me around the house. And that small step toward feeling "normal" is tricking my brain enough to near

Up-down, side to side, round and round, reverse, round and round. Two days before or two days after your period. Do monthly self exams and you’ll feel better when you’re dancing. 

At my first school dance in the 6th grade, a horribly mean girl approached me with a quarter in-hand. She held it straight to my face and uttered ever-so snarkily, " Here. Take this. I'm PAYING you to stop dancing ."  Today I find myself recalling that moment, thinking... Oh, honey. Jokes on you. I've never STOPPED! But thanks for the payphone call for my ride home. 😉  Read between the lines, quarter girl In fact lately, I've REALLY been embracing my moves AND my magnificent "weirdness". So much so, I'm now fully in awe of all the "wrong side of the wall" kids from high school [ Westerville North grads, you know what I'm talking about... ]. They were, perhaps unknowingly, embracing their weird and wonderful uniqueness. Enough to be OUTCAST! What a COMPLIMENT! Like I've always said, being "normal" is a fate worse than death. Those kids were ahead of their time. #praise  But it's sad, really. Ever notice how incredibl

So I'm fully convinced: once a strategist, always a strategist. Spend enough years creating strategic frameworks for clients and it changes. your. brain. Which is why I have one... even for this blog. Yeah, major nerd alert, I knowwww. And like just about EVERY meaningful thing in my life, it came to me in a lightening strike epiphanic way when I took a small pause a few weeks into writing and asked myself - Leah, why ARE you doing this?  And my little inner voice responded, equipped with tiny whiteboard, laser pointer and all. Allow me to unpack the Strategic Experience Principles that underpin my work... [ Bingo! says the girl from the back row playing agency buzzword Bingo, approaches desk to claim her award ] Positivity 👉 The glass. IS. half. full. And truly knowing that is the ONLY way I'm getting through to the other side while remotely enjoying the journey ( same goes for you, too, buddy ). Silver linings, laughter, play time... good vibes only. The whole WORLD needs