Cancer Faux Real

 I am free. Thank you all. 

I've decided. This phase of chemotherapy shall here-forth be referred to as: Alice-in-Wonderlanding.  Is it early morning? Mid afternoon? Am I late for a very important date? Take the small pill for this, big purple pill for that.  Patterns, colors, lights go out... and I'm fast asleep. Or am I? Doctors warned me that chemo rounds 5 and 6 would hit me demonstrably harder than the four just prior. I was ready, and they were right. And it's a good thing I don't mind mentally strolling through fantastical self-made fairytales given this is what extreme exhaustion can induce.  In between my foggy images of real and imagined, I find it funny to look back at my own memoir. I can see the blueprint so clearly. I gear up, go to battle, feel roughly 2 days' worth of invincible thanks to steroids and adrenaline, then... I'm reminded of my own mortality. Sunday night was no different, but perhaps with just a bit more weighty nudge. I’ll begin with an explanation, Let me gue...

Life now seems like some surreal combination of recognizable scenes mashed with bursts of Wes Anderson style interludes. It's as if my brain is filling the blanks with creative interceptions just to help me cope. I don't mind it. In fact, I'm grateful for it. Pure reality is such a bore. Oh, and scary. It's another 3rd week Wednesday and although I'd convinced myself I was free, chemotherapy beckons me back against my will. Devon, like always, has cleared his schedule and readies himself for a day playing the role he's selected - superhero sidekick, master sous chef, husband extraordinaire.  The girls have spent the night with loving grandparents sleeping in a bedroom filled with fairytales, fresh sheets trimmed in lace, and the bouncing baby dolls of my youth. A nest for our little tweety birds, cozy and safely distanced from my fight. They're protected and it starts my day with a calming breath. I wake up naturally to the thought that although today is ano...

There are a number of things people say that I may never comprehend in full. Topping the list: the seemingly obligatory descriptive gauge of just how Italian a person is. It seems no one is ever just someone of Italian heritage or not. They are either "oh,  VERY  Italian" or "yeah, a little  Italian, I guess". It simply evades my understanding.  My best theory is that it's really just people quantifying the degree in which someone fits a pre-programmed model of an "expected" Italian-American, as defined by television and movie stereotypes. Do they have dark hair, dark eyes, and a big nose? Do they speak loudly, laugh loudly, and gesture almost just as much? Do they fist bump at dance clubs, eat big pasta dinners with family, and make offers people can't refuse? "Oh, they're VERY Italian ."  For me, this is so far off I barely know where to begin. See, the thing everyone seems to be missing is that the essence of being  Italian is pure...

In defense of optimism, I'll take the heartbreak of now knowing I have more to endure for the smiles we've all been able to enjoy. What a ride, this life. At least I'm not alone in it.  

It's 6am and Devon's alarm buzzes. Ugh, seriously? After the festival of lights storm to the eyeballs all night...? Fine. I'm up.  It's 6:30am and Devon nudges me awake. "Honey, today's the day." I sit straight, climb out of bed, and head for the shower.  I methodically peel off each wrinkled article of clothing and kick it gently to the corner avoiding the medicine cabinet mirror at all costs. At this hour it's for my sanity. I have to protect her, too.   Without a drop of makeup or hair accoutrements to help fein a picture of health, it's all just too... real. The shower feels like baptism. The hot water rains against my peach-fuzz-at-best and I want to call it therapy. But the word is now tainted. Overused. Ready to be shelved. I begin mourning the loss of endlessly long hot showers. The list of things to do has simply evaporated -- Conditioner? Irrelevant. Shaving? Irrelevant. Shampoo? Optional. So I invent replacements... triple washing my fac...

Since walking away from corporate life nine months ago, I’ve given up a toxic habit: the alarm clock. My mornings have since been defined by my eyes butterfly-flitting open, my mind sparkler-lighting on, a cat dough-kneading my belly, then letting my lanky limbs perform a stretch-Armstrong X formation across our king-size bed.   But wait! No alarm?! Then WHAT time do you get up?! You ask like a programmed anal-retentive American…My answer? Calm down. Just the same as always. See, my internal clock just KNOWS. Just like my intuition. Never fails me. I’m up every day around 6:30 or 7 - like always. The difference is, now I’m starting with a deep through-the-nose breath, a nuzzle hug from my velveteen pup, and I just take a moment. [ ...long pause... ] Instead of turning directly to my calendar to sum up the back-to-back hours of hooked-into-the-matrix virtual meetings, I stop to THINK about the watercolor picture of a day I'd like to paint. One scene I know for sure will make its mar...

Welp! Nothing about yesterday went as "planned"... time to initiate pick-me-up mode. Emotional management systems engage!! Logic brain, please take over emotional brain.  Allow me to break it down for all you voyeurs out there... ahem , loved ones. ;)   Claim: "It's gonna be a BIG A$$ DAY". Truth: It was a day that made me FEEL like a big a$$. Fact-checking below supports my case. Claim: "Imaging will be involved to understand progress."  Truth: No imaging, at least not yet. MRI will happen one week after the last round of chemo. From there, we'll determine whether MORE chemo is needed. Ugh. Patience is apparently a virtue [I don't have]. Love you forever, Lan.  Claim: "We'll begin to plan and schedule next steps on surgery." Truth: In PART true. I basically just reinforced my desire for a bilateral mastectomy [ sorry if that was jarring for anyone for whom this is new news, but my decision has been made so I never have to worry ...

I keep telling myself there is only ONE way this thing’s gonna play out. A big fat W on the board and it’s all mine. Then some heavy bass song fills the gymnasium, beautiful dancers flood the floor hitting all the moves, skirts flitting faster than you can bat a lash. Everything in perfect synchronization, then they split apart and poof! I’m there with my arms to the sky then lifted, flipping up, over, and caught by - where’d HE come from?! - My husband! And in some stunner coordinated ensemble. He pulls me down, pulls me close, then kisses me while swinging me around in circles, lights flashing like shooting stars, crowd goes wild… [ End dream sequence ] Y'all. Today is a BIG. A$$. DAY. I’m seeing my surgical oncologist for the first time since I was told I needed to undergo chemotherapy. I’m pretty sure imaging will be involved to understand progress and we’ll begin to plan and schedule next steps on surgery. The veil is about. to. be. lifted. You can run, but you can’t hide, m...

There's something in the air reminding me of Italy. Maybe it's my hot-sticky sweat. Or the laundry detergent with just a hint of sea salt. Maybe the coffee beans left over from morning. It's intoxicating. All it takes is one note and I'm there in my mind. Maybe it's my pace. Maybe it's not needing answers and being ready at any time to pour a short glass of red. Maybe it's the loaf of bread half-torn. Maybe it's the way the sunlight hits the basil outside or the hummingbirds that keep swinging past my window. I opt for the matches to light the candle sitting next to the milk glass candy jar. It makes the room just one tick warmer and I relish it. I can feel sweat on my upper lip, the back of my pajamas, and the top of my bald head. I think I'll tear off lettuce for lunch today and mix it with olive oil, white wine vinegar, salt, and pepper. It reminds me so perfectly of my grandmother. It needs nothing more. Or maybe just a splash of lemon. Maybe I w...

They say, yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, and today is a gift, that's why we call it the present. Lately, I couldn't understand that more. It's nearly 7am and I find myself seated alone at our small kitchen bistro table, with only the sounds around me of a ticking clock and now click-clacking keyboard strokes. My babies sleep, husband too. I see the street is wet from rain, although I never heard a drop. Birds chatter for their mother in the small nest outside the nearby window tucked inside somewhere safe. I sip my espresso and remember the European lifestyle I was raised on, and the standing-only Italian bars I'd visited for a quick morning sip. I notice a streak of blue paint on the side of my coffee cup, remnants of young ones who'd needed to rinse a brush as they created small masterpieces weeks or months ago. My hands type more slowly as the anti-nausea medications hold my energy back. I imagine I'm being slung backwards by a force that makes it ...

When I was 9 years old, I made a small mistake that changed the course of my entire life: I looked up my name in our family dictionary. And can you imagine what I got in return? Weary. Yep! WEARY. And it didn't stop there. It tortured me further by unfurling a biblical story of Leah, the girl who could not bear children and a sister who could, thus rendering her useless and a familial disgrace . This "defining moment" at NINE years of age sadly  shaped the way I saw myself for the subsequent 3 decades of my life.  I mean, WEARY... tired, connotations of frailty, the opposite of strength, courage, bravery... just. plain. weak. Ugh.  Enter Cancer. Flash-forward to Round 3 of 4 chemotherapy treatments. Right in the depths of my fight. Because I've never forgotten my "namesake", after 5 solid hours of treatment [ without an allergic reaction or a single drop of tears ], I was compelled to inquire about the strength of the drugs I had just endured and understand ...

Oggi mi sento piena di fortezza Ma faccio finta Oggi ti prometto che verrò Ma non so quando Oggi prego a Dio e tutto l’universo Ma ancora mi preoccupo Oggi mi ricordo quando mi sono innamorata di te Ma sono passati molti anni Oggi ho bisogno di te Stai con me Nel cuore Italia mia  

Since getting diagnosed, I’ve been more obsessed with my looks than a tween girl who just got her braces off. And you know what? I’m not even fighting it. See, it’s more than just desiring beauty , it’s about CONTROL.  Even more than that , I’ve learned of the irrefutable link between how I feel   about my outside and how I feel  physically on the inside. So, I’ve become my new favorite girl crush. Need proof? Exhibit A: I’ve started wearing SHORTS and above-the-knee DRESSES!! [ Gasp! ] Note: I was roughly seventeen years old the last time that happened. Now every time I do, I skip and smile more. Fact. Exhibit B: I've FINALLY started doing an evening skin care ritual before bed. [ You were right all along, big sister... ] And I'm waking up feeling confident when I look in the mirror. Watch out world. Exhibit C: I've started wearing wigs even when it's just me around the house. And that small step toward feeling "normal" is tricking my brain enough to near...