Mamma Mia

I have one big, LOUD, hands-waving-all-over-the-place Italian family. And beyond me being sick, [Leah, maybe you put on un'undershirt and I make-a you something to eat], we're actually all living our best lives. A BABY is on the way!!!!!!! [My cousin’s, not mine, whew!]

For Italians, and specifically our family, this is one BFD. It's a BOY! So, yeah, we're over the moon [cue Dean Martin STAT and grab the bottle o' red]. 

This particular baby boy is in for such a treat, you have no idea. His father is a stunner, the closest thing I've ever known to a rocket scientist, and is so kind and full of life when you meet him you may not be able to prevent the compulsion to reach your hand out so he can pass along whatever he's on. Just a gem.

Now, the mamma? Oh, get ready for this. Built like Yoga Barbie. Skin so beautifully olive you'll bring her pic into the spray tan artist as the I'll take this one. A laugh and sparkling smile that hook and reel you in like you're about to be Christmas baccala and you're THRILLED. A brain so capable I have to sit and nod like a saucer-eyed bobble head when she gets to explaining her incredible job in medical sales. You get the gist. Hubs locked that down like the smarty-pants he is, but you know that door would'a swung right back open with eligible bachelor number two if he hadn't. Remember that if you're reading this, Eric. [Gesturing two fingers back and forth doing my best Don Corleone face, head cocked sideways]. 

So when my sweet cousin Katie sent me her I'm about to burst photo the other day coordinated with her beaming smile, I just stopped and stared. It burned an image in my brain and it stayed with me. The next morning I woke up thinking about it like a painting of something so beautiful that it feels like it has a soul. And I showed my husband. 

He smiled so big I saw a twinkling tear in his eye. And when he passed the phone back to me and I stared another minute more, it all hit me. Katie is roughly a decade younger than me. The exact time that has passed since I became a mother. The joy, the gift, the struggle, the miracle. Deep breath. Then the waterworks. But not for me, for her. 

Tears began flowing down my cheeks so warm and fast I was at their mercy. That's actually when I know they're tears of joy. When I lose COMPLETE power over them [see: births of my children, my wedding day, or when I made my Senior year of the cheerleading squad]. 

There I sat, looking at her laugh-smiling face, slurping on a smoothie, wearing nothing more than a half-on denim shirt open to her overflowing milks-a-comin' boobs bra and t-minus two weeks to baby belly. And all I could think is how much she DESERVED this. The gift that is motherhood. The gift of all the salty and the sweet. 

Since my diagnosis, being a mother has NEVER been so important to me. I'm watching my two girls' responses like a hawk and I'm watching my moves like Belá Károlyi watching Mary Lou Retton. 

See, I never had to experience seeing my mother sick. And it's taken me forty years to figure it out, but I now know she's the OG Girl Boss Bad A$$. I didn't realize it at the time as she was raising my sister and I coming off of a divorce [ahem... while earning her CPA no less, cashing checks and breakin' necks]. So I've been worried that my girls could devolve from the strength, grace, and bravery I was raised on through my amazing mother [love you Mommy]. Until the other day. 

[Dropping my youngest off at her elementary] "Mamma! I just found out when the art show is happening at school! It's May 18th!!" My heart SUNK. I opened my choked throat to speak. "Baby, I have to tell you. That's my next chemotherapy treatment. I may not be feeling well when we get home, so I'm not certain I'll be able to go." Long pause as I'm sure she reflected on the fact that we've been talking about the art show for nearly 9 months now awaiting it's arrival like Katie and Eric's bouncing baby boy. "That's okay mamma... you're a superstar." 😳 I took a few seconds... one, two, three. [Another deep breath] "Yes, baby. you're right. I am."

To all the beautiful mammas in my family, and most especially my own, thank you for making me who I am. A mamma who's not gonna miss a thing. ✨