Today's Outlook: Cloudy

OK, it's a been a minute. A month to be exact. Sorry I went dark. If I'm honest, it's because I went dark. 

The morning after I finished chemo, I woke up to the reality that my journey was FAR from over. Oh, my optimism, my mortal flaw. To my dismay, I hadn't suddenly woken up to feeling normal, looking normal... and it hit me pretty hard. Just to the contrary, and to my utter heartbreak, I CONTINUED to lose my looks. In fact, I'd say, the very last of them I had remaining. 

My eyebrows evaporated. My eyelashes evaporated. My confidence eVAPorated. Go ahead, call me shallow. Call me whatever you'd like. But when you go from beauty to beast, it's soul-crushing. Today I look like an old, dying grandpa. Receding hairline, sunken sallow eyes, gray skin... nothing even makeup or wigs can solve anymore. 

So yeah, I've laid low. 

Week one post chemo was hard. Week two was harder. My mastectomy was approaching and all of the nerves, second-guessing, and worry began to set in. I was paralyzed. I hadn't asked for any of this and I couldn't stop it from coming. I was uninterested to do anything more than watch the clock tick down to the day when it would all be one major step closer to over. 

And finally I was 10 days out. My mother and sister had coordinated a girls' day to celebrate since my remission party had been cancelled. It was to be a day like we'd never even had before - lunch dining alfresco followed by a head-to-toe spa experience. We enjoyed facials, full body massages, and glorious pedicures. Pure luxury. Chased by a gutting blow. 

Roughly an hour after we left the spa, my sister fell sick with Covid. Roughly 48 hours later, I did too. 

It took me two days to test positive, but when I did, my fear was realized. My surgery was being rescheduled. A full. Month. Later. Need I remind you patience is NOT one of my best qualities?

So that's it. I think I've found my low. At least, I think. Normally, I'm a naturally positive girl, highly optimistic, and smile through most everything. Just not today. Today I am too aware that I am writing this at the exact same time that I was supposed to be in surgery. And that my new date (October 10) potentially compromises my ability to trick or treat with my children... unless perhaps I go as a mummy since I'll already be bound in bandages...  

But don't worry, I'll get through this like everything else. I'll get my priorities straight. My cancer is effectively gone. My hair is coming back. I'm already beginning to rebound from Covid. The sun is shining and soon so, too, will I. 

Today is just a bit cloudy.