Crazy Sane & Stone(d) Sober

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I’m a sucker for a good oxymoron. Always have been.  If I had to guess why, I think it extends way beyond a love of words into a deeper realm of my psyche. In fact,  I’d say it’s rooted somewhere inside a personal narrative wherein I’m cast as the underdog, developed as an acquired need to compensate as an oft-teased younger sibling.
Therapy bill’s in the mail, you crazy Beast. 

Lately, though, I’ve loved them because my entire life has been feeling like one. Here I find cancer mayhem in my body, and I go and make peace with it.  I found out I’m sick and I in turn get healthier than I’ve ever been in my life. Everything is defying logic it seems. 

[cue up Madonna’s What It Feels Like For A Girl]

Now come the antithetical realizations of my last few days that make the least amount of sense. Most of the most-loathed things about being a woman — think: periods, hairy legs, plucking eyebrows, monthly root touch-ups and flat hair days leading to the daily abuse of the wet-bun-backup-plan— with breast cancer, I’m about to lose them ALL and it’s breaking my heart. Good thing, just in the nick of time, I’m feeling the power of love […make a grown man weep, make another man sang].

Thanks, Huey, but today I’m doing a bit of both. Because I can see my phase 2 of this cancer journey is starting. Yup. I went to shave my armpits and there was nothing there. Went to do my weekly stray eyebrow pluck, and nada. I ran out of shave cream and made an audible GIGGLE in the shower. But truth is, my mindset just went from Penny Lane’s It’s all happening in Almost Famous to Maya Rudolph’s It’s happening in Bridesmaids. I mean, my HEAD's next in line!!! 😫 😭

[Initiate pulling up of bootstraps and tugging on of big girl pants, but not in that order…]

Alright. [Sniffle sniffle] Let's talk this out. Really going big on this whole DIY therapist thing. Losing my hair just means the MEDS ARE WORKING. Cancer can’t HIDE from that $hit. My hair is just collateral damage. This is GOOD. I just have to manage my feelings!! Maybe we can invoke a positive shift here, things can’t go dark on us now. Like poof! [couture-dressed godmother waves happy magic wand...]

What’s today’s oxymoron going to be? I plead to my imaginary fairy savior. And she lays into me. Hmmm…, she clears her throat, how about:

Listen here, you idiot savant. You’ve clearly misunderstood yourself. You just need to take that quiet rage and seriously funny personality and stop thinking you’re the walking dead!! This isn’t a tragic comedy!!  You’re simply going nowhere. You just need to get back to turning this thing inside out! Now GO, you beautiful cuckoo bird, and FLLYYYYY!

Damn. Guess I deserved that. OK, record skip. Track flip. Dance party reinitiated… Jazzersize moves kicking in, and… 💃

Don’t. Stop. Me. NOWWWW!! I'm having such a good time!!! I’m traveling at the speed of light… and then it hits me! Poof! Step aside, Lady Gaga. I’m LADY GODIVA!! [branding, logo, color palette, and related business plan now underway...] 

Thanks, Fairy G. I needed that. 








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