For Real Though, Here We Go
Expletives. Big, fat, jarring, throw-you-back-in-your-seat kinda expletives. This is what I want to yell. And let me assure you that it’s only the not knowing who will read this that is holding me back right now from selecting many of them as my verbs, adjectives, and adverbs of choice.
Cancer can have this effect on people.
Roughly one month ago I discovered a lump in my breast. And in one instant every misconception I’d so ignorantly believed throughout my adult life was debunked. Apparently, a thin, flat-chested, otherwise healthy 40 year-old who’d breastfed 2 beautiful children for over a year each CAN get breast cancer. Well… f#!k.
What has ensued since that moment has been only slightly comparable to the time I was peer-pressured into riding the most vomit-inducing roller coaster Cedar Point ever had to offer, only then at least I had somewhat consented to participating in the madness. This time it just feels like a cruel test to decide whether I’m the “hard candy shell” or the “mess of chocolate goo” melted all over the bottom of your purse.
While there is much information to share about my complete diagnosis and treatment plan, perhaps it is easier for me to hit the high notes instead:
- I’ve been diagnosed with stage 2 invasive ductal carcinoma in my right breast. Yes, this is real cancer, real scary, and real traumatic even though no, it won’t kill me.
- Although I believed over the last week I’d be able to evade chemotherapy I learned today that I will not be so lucky. So yes, I will likely (albeit temporarily) lose my good looks and probably pick up a penchant for wild hair wigs (I’m thinking Julia Roberts before she let her curly red hair down in Pretty Woman).
- Once I’m done with chemo over the next 3-4 months, I will still have to undergo surgery which has not yet been determined as a recommended lumpectomy or bilateral mastectomy (with or without a new set installed). No, I don’t need ANYONE weighing in on this decision beyond my assigned medical care team. And no, now is not a good time to insert a joke about the necessity or even benefits of new boobs. Jury is still out on ALL that stuff.
In summary, I’m feeling a lot of emotions lately, most of which stem from the fear of how this [trauma] will affect my girls and, to a lesser extent, my own self-esteem. My thinking is that if I can handle the latter, it will help prevent the prior. But that’s what keeps me up at night. Maybe the kick I get out of keeping this blog will help keep me smiling, or at a bare minimum help reduce the number of times I have to repeat my gut-wrenching personal drama over and over again. Either way, I’m strapped in, clicking up to the top, and trying to distract myself with a beautiful view.
Boobs could be so overrated !!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe only reason I can say that is because I have too much! Many years ago as a young gal – I had none and of course I wondered if one day I ever would. So I decided ( in true chic fashion) to fix this!! I stuffed pantyhose into a padded bra and was ever so proud!! And of course my dad busted me – big time! His words meant nothing at the time, “be very afraid of what you wish for!” He was SO right… and as I grew and grew and continued growing he never let me live this down. We would laugh uncontrollably and then I’d always have to give him the biggest Charlie horse I could muster- we hate it when they’re right!! I almost cry when I order new bras now at 38DD(F) and I do cry when I can’t get them to graciously lay in beautiful spaghetti strap summer dresses.
Anyway….. It’s the great mystery among women. You want them when you don’t have them, and when you have too much you wish for the smaller perky set. The first and foremost – we definitely want them and will always want them - if something tragicallly wants to take them away. For me and most of the ladies I know these beauties are what make us feel like a woman. More of a woman. And I don’t say that lightly, because we would NEVER be less of a woman without them… But they do feed our children and create such a connection with our offspring, breasts are undeniable amazing! And let’s face it- breast are gorgeous in all their shapes and sizes. Those curvy soft parts of our body are desired, sought after and enticing!! This feels wonderful!! It’s a natural healthy God-given characteristic to feel like a woman…. AND to want to look like a woman. But the most wonderful meaning of all this is to LOVE 💕 like only a woman can!!!
So I ramble on only to share with you that this truly SUCKs!! And it’s Vilolating to have taken a special unique part of our bodies taken away. You have to grieve this so you can AND will kicks cancers A&$!!! As a very smart and spicy woman, I know you know this so please consider this just a reminder from a friend that walked this journey with one of my dearest friends that was also a very smart spicy woman that BEAT IT!!!
I’m with you every single step of the way!
I’ll be watching…..
Dearest anonymous bosom buddy: whoever you are, you're incredible. No slight to you, but I'm starting to realize ALL us women are!?! What a thing to learn 40 years in with all I've expected were "mean girls". But what a gift I've now been given. Really hoping I can decode who you are, mystery lady. But, if not, I'm sure glad to have read your words of wisdom today. You just get it. THANK YOU.
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